


For the sake of the kingdom

by Silva_13



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Durincest, Erebor Reclaimed, Hurt Kíli, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, denied marriage, mentions of surrogate mothers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-05-04 09:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14589789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silva_13/pseuds/Silva_13
Summary: Everyone had always known, there had never been any doubts. There would be a wedding as soon as Erebor was reclaimed; a wedding between brothers in love with each other for decades. Nothing to worry about.Nothing to worry about?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chelidona (Hobbity)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/gifts).



> This is my price for Chelidona for the WinterFRE2018. The prompt was (shortened):
> 
> "Fili and Kili want to get married after the battle, but someone (you choice) is against it. Bilbo (or Dis) defends them, but before the happy ending there's a little drama and hurt feelings."
> 
> Oh my, I had so much fun writing that, it got totally out of hand and turned into something way bigger. Further, I'm afraid I overdosed the 'little' drama, since this got way more angsty than I had planned. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it.

_If another one of those old farts opens his mouth, I’m going to murder him._

Kili had to suppress a yawn, while Balin patiently answered the third question one of the council members had asked, although it was also the third time he got interrupted in his deliberations. The young prince didn’t even know how straying orc groups were the council’s business anyway. In his eyes the guard was the only institution who should have a say in dealing with the problem. The word ‘guard’ may have been a little too enthusiastic, since they were only 30 dwarves at the moment, but more were about to come. Rebuilding a kingdom didn’t happen overnight and for now they should be satisfied with what they had.

 

His gaze darted to his brother, who looked by far more attentive than him. Face focused on Balin, thoughtful expression put on, nodding in the right places; Fili looked all responsible heir. And yet, Kili, and only Kili, knew when he was pretending; the slightly bored expression in his ocean-blue eyes only visible for the one who was closest to him.

 

Finally Balin was finished and the youngest prince, having set up a sparring with Dwalin, was about to jump up from his seat when he heard someone clearing their throat reprovingly.

 

“There’s another topic to discuss, it admits no delay.”

 

Kili saw his brother raising an eyebrow, but politely turned his gaze towards the dwarf speaking; Borim, one of the oldest and most obstinate dwarves of the council.

 

“My king, as we informed you beforehand, it is high time to discuss the heir’s courtship, as things have to be taken care of before they get out of hand.”

 

And with that he looked directly at Kili, who suddenly was wide awake and didn’t know if he should be alarmed or amused. Was that bonehead so blind? It had been certain for years, decades even, that Fili would marry his brother. No-one had ever doubted that, nor had tried to convince them otherwise. It had always been an inalterable fact. Therefore Kili had never spared a thought about being refused. Nor had Fili, who spoke up now.

 

“I think that won’t be necessary. Everyone knows that I will marry my brother. Prince Kili, in case you forgot. An official courtship is not required in marriage amongst family, in case you forgot that either? Nothing is ‘getting out of hand’ here. It’s legal, it’s confirmed and permitted by the king himself; no reason to question anything.”

 

His voice was dripping with venom, with the result that everyone, even Kili, raised their eyebrows in surprise. He might have been playing the responsible and collected prince, but anyone endangering his and Kili’s relationship caused an immediate revolt. 

 

Kili could only stare, still in shock about the fact that someone dared to come between him and his brother. The two had been in love with each other for half of their lives. That they would marry one day had been clear to everyone. They had always had the blessings of their uncle and mother. Now this _dodderer_ came and ventured to drive them apart.

 

It only lasted a few seconds, and then he was able to recollect himself. His eyes found his brother’s, seeking assurance and comfort. Together they turned their expectant gazes at their uncle, awaiting a withering rebuke of the old dwarf.

 

When it didn’t come their faces fell, simultaneously. The king didn’t even meet their eyes, but instead looked at the table in front of him, clearly uncomfortable.

 

“Uncle?”

 

Fili tensed up, face suddenly pale. Revolting against a random dwarf, who tried to come between them, was one thing. Raging against the only dwarf, who actually could, _legally_ , deny them a marriage, was quite another matter. Kili, however, was having none of it. With a steely expression, jaw clenched and eyes flashing he addressed their uncle again.

 

“Thorin!”

 

But instead of the king Borim answered without being asked. His feigned commiseration and fatherliness were what Kili got riled up the most.

 

“Lads, …”

 

“We are not…”

 

Fili had to put a hand on Kili’s shoulder to stop his younger brother from a tirade; something that would backfire later, being interpreted as a sign of immaturity by the old council members. They always had seen a callow child in the brunet, only because he didn’t share their musty viewpoints.

 

“My princes, it pains me deeply to see young love disrupted, but the matters of the kingdom weigh more than those of a single dwarf; or two in that case. As the king’s heirs you surely will agree with me?”

 

The eyes of the brothers narrowed in unison as the old dwarf continued with his insincerely servile manner.

 

“My dear boys…”

 

“Enough!”

 

Thorin's glare would have brought Azog himself to surrender instantly.

 

“Stop that fawning behaviour and just put the facts on the table. Is it not enough that you have the impudence to bring up the matter before I even had a chance to consult with my nephews? Is it really necessary to drag on the issue now?”

 

Kili’s stomach was in knots when he realised what his uncle just had implied. This was real. They were actually discussing their relationship in an official council meeting. Why did Thorin permit this? They were obviously about to divide them and the king did nothing but allow them to speak? One glance towards Fili told him that he had the same thoughts.

 

“Very well. With the crown prince marrying his own brother, the Line of Durin would end irrevocably. To help Erebor back to its old glory there _must_ be an heir; not an adopted one or a distant cousin of a random relative. I speak of royalty-sired dwarflings to strengthen the bloodline.”

 

“We could always have a surrogate…”

 

“That is not the point here.”

 

Borim’s eyes bored into Kili’s and for a moment Fili feared his brother might just dash against the other dwarf and rip his head off.

 

“The point is that the kingdom of Erebor is still young and has yet to proof its strength and worth to the other realms. Erebor’s wellbeing depends on trade and that will only flourish when we are respected. A conscious decision, made by the ruling family, to weaken, or even end, one of the strongest bloodlines the world has ever seen, would be seen as a weakness and met with incomprehension. In the end it would not only earn us derision but also condemnation and isolation. Furthermore, the elves and men may be familiar with marriage among males, but among brothers? That’s unique in dwarven culture and not necessarily accepted by other folks. Erebor can absolutely not afford to be the target of scorn and resentment; especially whilst rebuilding is still going on. Moreover, we need to strengthen our alliances as long as we are not strong enough to protect ourselves in case of an attack. And an attack will come, considering the rising number of roving orc bands. Am I right, _head of the guard_?”

 

His piercing gaze caused Kili to tighten the grip around the hilt of his sword, which his hand had found, unnoticed by him himself until then. Only a squeeze from Fili’s hand, which still rested on his shoulder, helped him to contain himself.

 

“Alliances are best established by the bond of marriage. It is for the prosperity of our kingdom, and therefore your duty, to step back from your personal wishes and make room for dedication and the willingness to make sacrifices for the kingdom’s sake. We all have our crosses to bear in times like these.”

 

“We can wait with the wedding until Erebor has gained back his former esteem. No-one said it has to be tomorrow.”

 

Kili hated how his voice had changed from fierce to desperate. This was real. This was not a stupid old dwarven lord expressing his grudge over being forced to deal with two young warriors in political matters. This was a well-prepared and not so unjustified masterstroke; whether to really establish the kingdom or to separate the princes, who regularly blighted the council’s efforts to gain more power, remained to be seen. He slowly breathed in and tried to exhale again, but couldn’t as his breath seemed to be caught in his windpipe. They were indeed about to tear them apart.

 

Seeing Fili swallowing thickly, his ice-cold expression falling and slowly giving way to comprehension followed by resignation, even intensified the feeling of dread. He felt the panic rise in his chest, as he sensed the approaching catastrophe. Was his brother giving up? Surely there must be something they could do? Why was Thorin not interfering?

 

“Did you know about this, uncle?”

 

Fili’s voice was soft, doubtful and so sad Kili couldn’t help but wonder what consequences decapitating Borim might bring. His eyes flickered towards his uncle, the dwarf who had promised that nothing, not even Erebor, would come between the brothers.

 

The king exhaled, massaging his temples with his eyes closed, then opened them and looked at his nephews, his face full of remorse.

 

“It has been brought to my attention, yes,” he sighed.

 

He lowered his gaze, not able to stand neither Kili’s look of utter betrayal nor Fili’s hurt and reproachful face. He had promised, and he _wanted_ them to be together, but Borim and the other, let’s say more conventional, dwarves of the council had adduced weighty arguments to marrying Fili off to someone else. And it was right that as the king, not as an uncle, he had to put his kingdom first.

 

“Are you serious? Do you really want to make your nephews’ futures and wellbeing an official council decision?”

 

Balin’s eyes were huge, his eyebrows almost in his hairline.

 

“There’s no other way. Once the ways of the king are questioned by the council, there must be an official decision. You know our laws. So, yes.”

 

Kili’s heart missed a beat, then two, and then sprang back into action with twice the speed as before, leaving him dizzy and nauseous. An official council decision required a ballot by the seven council members and the king, whose vote counted double, whereas the simple majority was determining in the end.

 

When Balin, as the head of the council, addressed the question, the brunet felt as if he was about to faint. Fili’s hand was no longer on his shoulder, but had closed around his own, squeezing it gently.

 

“Shall the permission to marry each other be refused to the princes Fili and Kili for the sake of the kingdom of Erebor? Who’s for it, lifts his hand.”

 

He probably was about to smash Fili’s bones when he squeezed his hand even tighter, while watching the council members and the king react to the question. Of course, Borim and the other two _dotards_ lifted their arms immediately. Balin and Gloin though didn’t, they sat stock-still; as did the brothers.

 

“No need to worry, Thorin will tip the scale,” Kili whispered reassuringly in Fili’s ear. When he got a doubting look back though, his face faltered. Together the princes turned their gazes towards their uncle, who seemed to struggle with his decision. At least for a second before he lifted his hand. For a moment Kili hoped he might only scratch his ear, but then it remained in the air, hand fully outstretched.

 

The silence in the room was deafening. Kili could hear the blood rushing in his ears, frantically pumped by his racing heart. The tension in the air was so thick he could have cut it with his sword. To be honest, that was exactly what he wanted to do at the moment, running amok with his sword, or his bow, or an axe or two.

 

“The ayes have it.”

 

Balin’s voice was gravely and slightly shaking, for he could not fathom what the lads - princes or not; they would always be his lads – had to go through at the moment.

 

The princes’ eyes were moist as they eyed each other, both very well aware that dwarves never cried and losing their faces here was at stake. So they swallowed their tears and remained sitting on their chairs while the rest of the council clattered around in order to leave.

 

When Gloin passed the brothers he gave each of them a small pat on the shoulder and Balin stopped next to Kili.

 

“I can inform my brother that your sparring lesson is cancelled, if you wish?”

 

Kili, feeling as if in trance, slowly shook his head no.

 

“No, I’ll come. Please tell him I might be late.”

 

The old dwarf nodded and turned to leave when Kili held him back and murmured in his ear, “But please, no axes today.”

 

Balin nodded again, a sad smile on his lips, and left.

 

Fili looked at his brother in confusion, but got distracted when Thorin cleared his throat behind him.

 

“I suppose you two want to have a word with me?”

 

The princes said nothing until the last dwarf had closed the door behind them. Kili still contemplated how to articulate his opinion without using too many invectives, when Fili already roared. Yes, he didn’t shout or snarl, he _roared_.

 

_My lion._

 

This was surely not the time for adoration, but he couldn’t help himself.

 

“How dare you? Not only did you allow them to come between Kili and me. No, you didn’t even have the decency to warn us beforehand.”

 

Fili was pacing back and forth, wildly gesticulating and moustache braids flying with every turn of his body.

 

“You balloted against us. With your _double_ vote. How could you? You’ve given us permission years ago. You … you _promised_.”

 

Thorin’s stomach clenched at Kili’s hurt expression. Not only had he robbed him of his future husband, the love of his life, but also of his belief in family and him as a person; his uncle, who had brought him up like his own son. And Fili? His eyes pierced right through his heart; uncovered disappointment at the dwarf he had called his uncle and his king, who had taught him everything he knew.

 

Winning back their trust would take years, if at all. And achieving forgiveness? That probably would never happen. And yet, for the sake of the kingdom it had to be done.

 

“Yes, I did, and I’m deeply sorry you put all your hopes in my former foolishness. I may have underestimated the pressure of the public view as well as the importance of the other realms’ approval. But Borim’s right, I’ll repeat it for you. _We. Can. Not. Afford. Any. Resentment_. Or everything we have achieved, everything we have gone through, everything we have almost died for, was in vain. Will you get that through your head, eventually?”

 

And with a much softer voice, he added, “Do you think I wanted that for you? That I only too happily jumped at the opportunity to separate you? Don’t you think it pains me as much as it does you? They came to me and demanded an official procedure. You know very well, that I have no right to deny that. That’s our law to prevent despotism, to protect our folk from gold sickness. Have you forgotten that?”

 

While Fili’s thunderous face slowly faltered and his features changed with the bitterness of realisation, Kili was having none of it.

 

“Then please, go ahead, revoke your marriage with Bilbo and wed a fine dwarven princess to make lots of heirs, but leave my brother and me out. You can destroy your own life for this kingdom, not Fili’s and mine. You almost did that already with the battle, will you repeat it now?”

 

The sigh he heard from his side, the side his beloved brother had stood before, cut right through his heart, as he knew the intonation.

 

“Oh Kili. That has barely something to do with the actual predicament.”

 

But it had, at least in Kili’s opinion. Being stabbed through his chest by Bolg had exactly felt like being refused to marry his beloved. It had hurt terribly, he hadn’t been able to breathe, everything had become grey and cold and Fili had been gone, injured as well. Where was the difference?

 

But his brother’s rebuke had taken the wind out of his sails. Was he not with him in this dire situation? Was he about to defer to the decision?

 

“Do you agree with him? Fili that’s ridiculous. We’re meant to be, you can’t…”

 

“I know we are. And I’m in no less pain than you, but in this matter fate doesn’t seem to be on our side. If we want to see Erebor prosper, we can’t get married. We can’t.”

 

His teary eyes met Kili’s. The latter stood crestfallen, looking like a kicked puppy.

 

“I’d never thought you would give up on us so easily.”

 

His voice was thick with tears and he watched in horror when his brother turned his gaze down to the floor, obviously not able to look at him any longer.

_That’s it._

 

This was his beloved golden brother, proud and brave, admitting defeat. The one person he looked up to unconditionally and would have followed everywhere, death included. This person, the light of his life, was now turning him down for a stupid mountain.

 

_For the sake of the kingdom._

 

“I don’t! There’s just no way out of it. At least none I see at the moment.”

 

The youngest prince of Erebor, who had almost died twice during the quest for the mountain, who had devoted his entire life to reclaim said kingdom and who wanted nothing more than to be with his brother, slowly stepped back, jaw clenched and hands shaking, and made his way towards the door.

 

“I’ll go find another bedchamber then.”

 

“Kili, I really wish there had been a way…”

 

He slowly turned, his ice-cold eyes focussing on his uncle.

 

“Do you? _I_ wish I would have never helped to reclaim this darn mountain. Just as I wish I wasn’t a part of this family anymore.”

 

And with that he was gone, smashing the door shut behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Err .... well. That took me ages. I'm so very sorry. And I won't manage in three chapters, hence there's a question mark now. I don't think there will be more than five chapters and maybe an epilogue, but as I usually fail to condense plot I can't make any promises. Again, I'm sorry.  
> Plus, this is quite long. I wanted to divide it in two chapters, but I couldn't find the right spot to do so and it just didn't feel right. Did I already say I'm sorry? ;)
> 
> I was completely overwhelmed with the emotional reactions to chapter one. I've expected some of it to Thorin, but not Fili. But peeps, you'e so right!!!! But know, it was absolutely not my intention to make Fili a dull and obedient princeling. It actually happened by accident in the progress of finishing the chapter. I hope I'll manage to have our golden prince rehabilitated by the end of the story. What have I gotten myself into?   
> Thankfully, Chelidona took the pressure off me by pointing out that “even Fili can't always be perfect.” So that will be my excuse if I don't get it right in the end. ;P

_… Just as I wish I wasn’t a part of this family anymore …_

 

The words echoed in Fili's head, leaving him desperate. A pang of guilt and pain shot through him and he turned to Thorin, glaring at him reproachfully.

 

“Are you happy now?” he growled while turning back to the door and setting himself into motion to follow his brother. He got even angrier when Thorin's firm grip held him back.

 

"What else," he snarled, "haven't you done enough already?"

 

"Fili, there is no time for that now. Let him be, he'll calm down soon enough."

 

"Kili, calming down? He of all dwarves? He already thinks I'm not fighting for him. _For us!_ I have to follow him and set things clear. I need to find a way out of this dilemma. Now! Otherwise it might be too late. You know all too well of his ability to disappear and harm himself in the process."

 

“This happened only once and he was 30 back then!"

 

"Yes, he was young and did something stupid and yet he almost died!"

 

Fili shivered when he remembered that horrible day almost 48 years ago. Kili had run off after a stupid misunderstanding and had gone missing for 3 days. Back then Dwalin had found him on a riverbank, unconscious and almost drowned, his left leg broken. Obviously he had slipped while crossing the water and had been washed downstream. He had been bedridden for weeks, stricken with fever and pain, and Fili had sworn to himself back then that nothing in the world will come between them ever again. Obviously he had broken that oath now and Kili would not forgive him easily.

 

“I have to follow him, he's hurting!”

 

“I know, Fili, and it pains me to see you two like that. I’ve never wanted that for you both. You _have_ to believe me! But if we are trying on a chance to fix this, I need your trust. Right now you have to confide in me.

 

“How can I trust you when you are doing this to us? When you put us in front of you to ensure your comfortable life while ripping us apart? You just betrayed decades of unquestionable confidence.”

 

Thorin’s face was falling, eyes sad and mouth pressed together. Fili was right and he knew the betrayal must cut as deep as his nephews’ rejection hurt him.

 

“You have every right to question my reliability, but believe me when I say this is urgent. You and me have to work on a plan to make sure that there is only _one_ dwarrowdam fitting. Unless you want to marry Borim's daughter? Because that is his plan after all. Since he knows his position in the council will not last long, he seeks to gain influence through marriage. And if we are not quick he might succeed. You know that a dwarf only can court one dwarrowdam at a time. And there are, _fortunately_ , only four of them fitting altogether; two are already over 150, one is Borim's daughter and the last one is your cousin Nali. It's up to you, but I think the latter might be the best choice? She’s a smart lass; handsome and young. If you plead courtship, the situation would at least be on hold for a while. Asking for courting is non-committal, you know that.”

 

Fili’s mind was swimming. What did his uncle say? Courting his cousin while he just had lost the love of his life?

 

“Are you mad? Are you even processing what just happened? Nothing of this would be necessary if you just would’ve given us your vote!”

 

“You are right with that, but let’s face the truth. If I had just voted for you, the validity of such a decision always would’ve been controverted. They could say I only voted in favour of you because you’re kin; that’d be patronage. The marriage between you and Kili would’ve been built on sand; exposed to gossip and resentment. And if the right dwarves were ever to gain power, it could even end in high treason and assassination at worst. You know there are still dwarves following the old ways, even if we have discarded them a long time ago.”

 

All those words only resulted in making Fili even angrier. How did he dare? Built on sand; that was preposterous. There was no other bond as strong as theirs. In his rage he was blind to the solid arguments Thorin had delivered. If he had been a little more considerate, he might have recognised that his uncle’s reasons were in a way conclusive and convincing. Decisions like this _had_ to be unimpeachable by all means. But Fili didn’t see and therefore started to shout.

 

“You are the _king_ , you don’t have to bend to anybody’s will!”

 

“That’s not true and you know it.”

 

“Kili and I have to suffer now, because _you_ were selfish and married your hobbit without even thinking about the consequences!”

 

That, indeed, hit its mark, for Thorin’s face twisted into a painful grimace. The king sent a silent prayer to Mahal for expediting the flight of the raven he had sent in a hurry right before the fateful council meeting.

 

“That was not my intention. And I’m sorry that happened. I have to admit, back then it never occurred to me there might be folks who object your bond. But listen, there’s another thing I have to tell you.”

 

“No, I won’t listen to another word.”

 

“But I can explain….”

 

“Stop it! Spare me another lie of yours.”

 

“Fili, hear me out.”

 

“No, uncle! You betrayed us. You turned your back on us. That’s unforgivable. If you …”

 

“If _you_ would only let me finish, I could …”

 

“ _I could_ just go and leave you and your stupid mountain all alone.”

 

“Will you?”

 

Fili opened his mouth for another retort, but he found himself unable to find any. Thorin had hit his weak spot; his sense of obligation. All his life he had been taught to live for their people, for the mountain, the kingdom and the Line of Durin. He could not abandon that duty for being selfish or sentimental. The emotions battling in Fili’s chest reflected on his face; confusion, realisation, betrayal and eventually anger. And grief.

 

“Do you think I’m playing political games with you when there’s still hope for Kili and me?”

 

“If you are not up to _political games_ , as you call it, you will find yourself married to Borim’s daughter eventually. Is that what you want? Then please, go ahead.”

 

The crown prince hated Thorin’s ability to play him like a fiddle, but still, he was right in the end. A  courtship request would put things on hold for a while. It would give him the opportunity to foil Borim’s plans and find another way out of that dilemma.

 

And so, Fili, son of Vili, heir to the throne of Erebor, requested the hand of his great-cousin Nali, daughter of Dain, King of the Iron Hills. It took him and his uncle a good while to set everything up, as there existed loads of regulations for such an important document to be valid. And they couldn’t afford any mistakes, as the request had to withstand the objections of the council.

 

So, in the end, it was two hours after Kili had left, when he finally exited the council room to find his brother.

 

~~~

 

At first he went to the training grounds, only to find a battered looking Dwalin, who cleaned the remains of a splintered training sword away.

 

"You missed him, laddie. Maybe it was for the better, as I didn't have the feeling that his wrath had worn off at all; not even after two hours of intense combat training."

 

Fili sighed unhappily. He had taken the shortest way to the training area. Of course his brother must have used a different route purposefully.

 

„Thorin shouldn't have announced Nori as the spymaster. Kili would have been the better choice."

 

Dwalin chuckled at Fili's comment, but his expression quickly turned serious again.

 

"He's hurting. I can't remember seeing him so full of disappointment and betrayal ever since the day your uncle didn't want him to join on the quest."

 

"That was bad, I remember."

 

"You fixed it back then. Make sure you’ll fix it again this time. You'll lose him forever if you don't. I'm certain he won't stay here to watch you marrying someone else."

 

"He told you?"

 

"He didn't have to. Balin did. I'm sure by now the entire mountain is gossiping about it. This kind of news spread like wildfire. Now laddie, off with you! You have a marriage to prevent!"

 

~~~

 

Fili's desperation peaked a few hours later when he still hadn't found his brother. A look into their chambers had revealed that he had already moved his things, so he searched for his new rooms. The servants hadn't been of any help, feigning cluelessness about the younger prince’s whereabouts. The blond knew the longer it took to find his brother the lower his chances became. Kili had the ability to vanish if he didn’t want to be found. He could prevent to be seen and was able to move around almost without as much as a sound. He could manage to avoid contact for days. One could think he was a hobbit, if he were only softer around the middle. Maybe Fili should count his meals during the day; just to be sure it weren't seven.

 

Fili continued his search, feeling even worse. His brother was suffering and as long as he wasn't able to find him, his mood would spiral down further and further, probably resulting in a disaster. But on the other hand, wasn't he the cause of all this? If Kili had had his support, he wouldn't avoid him in the first place. If only he had had the guts to oppose their uncle. He himself had caused his brother's soul to hurt. He was responsible for the ice in his normally warm voice, the pain in his eyes, and the sharp lines around his usually smiling mouth. That had been him; not Thorin, not the council. _Him_. The one, whose only purpose should be to make his beloved happy. Instead he had betrayed him. Fili realised only now how deep that must have cut into his brother's heart; how deep it cut into his own. He had to find him. _Now._

 

Next he tried his luck at the main gate, but the guards on duty confirmed that their captain had his free day and they hadn't seen him. A look into the stables turned out fruitless as well. Although Kili preferred to personally oversee the still small rearing of Ereborian battle rams, having gotten six pairs of the animals from the Iron Hills, his brother couldn't be found there. Not even the sight of the two newly born lambs could delight Fili and he wondered briefly if Bifur, who had turned out to have a huge knowledge about upbringing and care of battle beasts and was now trusted with the rams' upbringing and training, had been lying when he had stated to not have seen Kili as well.

 

Normally, his brother would never miss the birth of two healthy ram twins; and if it was only to shove his success right into Borim's face who, of course, had been against the whole project.  Little had he known about his brother, who fiercely defended everything he had come up with to rebuild Erebor's military forces. A task, which was given to him by Thorin, with Dwalin and Bifur as veterans by his side and which had fulfilled him to the roots of his hair. Kili had been taken up in it like his older brother had never seen before. He had come up with constructive ideas for structuring, recruiting, training, post-manning, weaponry and armament. His plans for Erebor's offensive and defensive strategies were big, but well-elaborated and maybe a bit visionary. But that was what Erebor needed, young enthusiastic folk with great ideas. Kili maintained constant correspondence with Thorin Stonehelm, Dain's son, who was captain of the guard and army of the Iron Hills, and the interchange of ideas had brought even more achievements. Thorin had been immensely proud and full of praise and his brother's smile had been brighter and wider than ever before. Should all this end because of one stupid council decision?

 

Fili hadn't even noticed that his thoughts had drifted off and his feet had carried him to another, more secluded part of Erebor; the royal tombs. Here, Thorin and Dis had built memorials for those, whom had been denied the honour of the royal funeral they had deserved. There was one for Frerin, for their father Vili, for Thror and for Thrain. Sometimes Kili came down here to think, but the place was empty now.

 

Unconsciously, he had stopped in front of their father's statue. His fingers brushed over the inscription on the socket, and then he looked up in his magnificently carved features.

 

“Adad, what shall I do? I swore to do everything it takes to reclaim and rebuild this kingdom. I swore to do everything in my power to help it to its old glory again. I also swore to protect my family, my brother, my love, as well as the Line of Durin. How can I keep one oath without breaking the other? How can I not bring disgrace over myself and our family in this Mahal-accursed predicament? You must think of me as a miserable dwarf."

 

“I don’t think so, Fili.”

 

He recoiled at the voice suddenly speaking, but relaxed immediately for he recognised it in an instant.

 

“Amad.”

 

“I thought at least one of you might be here. I’ve already heard about the council’s decision. I’m so sorry, Fili.”

 

She pulled her eldest son in an embrace, who nothing but slumped in her arms.

 

“Please tell me, what I hear about you accepting your fate without as much as an objection isn’t true.”

He lowered his gaze to his feet, a few tears running down his cheeks. That was all she needed to know. She didn’t reprimand him, as that was unnecessary. He knew all too well what he had done wrong. And he felt bad enough; he didn’t need his mother to be reproachful as well. 

 

She only held him and listened to his vague explanations, praying secretly to Mahal his little brother would find it in his heart to forgive him. With the promise to do her best to find Kili and talk to Thorin, she left the tombs after Fili had calmed down a bit.

 

Fili stayed behind, alone with his troubled mind. How had everything gone to hell within half a day? With a heavy heart he wiped his cheeks with his sleeve, snivelled a few times and returned to the main halls of the mountain.

 

If he couldn't find his brother, he could at least do something to help their situation. As much as he dreaded to spend hours and hours in the library, studying old chronicles and legislative texts to find a way out of the dilemma, as much it was necessary. The librarian frowned at him when he entered and Fili could barely stand his reproachful gaze.

 

"You're late! I've expected you way earlier!"

 

The blond winced at the taunting words, knowing that every minute counted to find a solution. Thorin and he may have stalled for time a little with the courtship request to Nali, but it was nothing more than that; a stalling for time.

 

“Well, hello Ori! So you’ve heard already.”

 

“The entire kingdom has! And I cannot say that they are very fond of their king at the moment; at least the Ereborian and Iron Hill folks."

 

"Unfortunately we have an awful majority of Ered Luin people here, so most dwarves are probably cheering at Borim's strike right now."

 

"Unfortunately, yes."

 

"So, have you seen Kili? I’ve been searching for him for hours but couldn't find him anywhere."

 

”No surprise! It's Kili after all. Have you been at the ramparts? Stables? Tombs? Training area?"

 

Each question got him a nod from Fili and he sighed. "Then he really doesn't want to be found. Thorin should've given him Nori's post."

 

"I'm way more comfortable with the spare's traditional position as the captain of the military forces."

 

There was a brief moment of silence before his friend asked the inevitable question.

 

“Is it true that you didn't give Thorin and the council much of a fight?”

 

Again Fili lowered his gaze in shame and shrugged his shoulders.

 

"I'm afraid so. I can't even say why. At first I was too overwhelmed to say anything. Then it felt as if all my strength had suddenly drained from me. Kili fought so hard and all I could do was gaping and do nothing. The decision was made already with no chances of return. I was still shell-shocked when we were alone with Thorin, so I didn't put up much of a fight. I just wanted to leave as fast as possible; to find a way out, to overthink the entire situation and ... and … everything got too much and I ... I ... just gave up. I didn't give up on Kili though, but I realised shouting, fighting, leaving... That wouldn't have brought us anywhere near a satisfying resolution. Instead I tried to wrap my head around what just had happened. What, in Kili's eyes, looked like me admitting defeat. I thought, instead of wasting our energy with fruitless fighting, we should spend it searching for a resolve. I know that's a weak excuse, but I don't have another explanation. I’m afraid Kili will never forgive me."

 

"Well, it's better than actually giving up, which would've had me quite disappointed in you, by the way."

 

Then he clapped his hands, rolled up his sleeves and cracked his knuckles.

 

“Let's get started then. The sooner we find a way out of this shit the better. I fear this is the only way to reconcile you with Kili at the moment. I've already picked a few documents and books which I think might contain what we are looking for. Mostly courtship rights, council disagreements and precedence cases."

 

"Can we add how to legalise murdering the entire council and the king?”

 

“That's the Fili I know! We might have a look in the acquittals in cases of high treason then.”

 

Both chuckled and the crown prince felt his mood lighten a little, since he was positive there must be a solution hidden in the piles of old parchment lying in front of them.

 

~~~

 

Bruised and battered Kili dragged himself back to his new bed chamber. Thankfully, his request to be not accommodated in the royal wing had been heard. The room was small and the bed way narrower than what he was used to. But at least all his belongings had been brought in here by the servants, so he didn’t have to return to his old rooms.

 

"I'm so very sorry, my prince. But I'm afraid we couldn't find anything better at short notice."

 

The pitiful smile the old servant gave him almost broke his heart. Did the entire mountain know already?

 

"It's fine. You've outdone yourself in the shortness of time. I was wondering if it’s possible to withhold the location of my new room?"

 

For a brief moment he asked himself if that may appear childish, but wasn't that what the entire mountain was thinking of him anyway? His smile didn’t reach his eyes, but he didn’t want to appear impolite.

 

"As you wish, my prince. I made sure there's a good brandy waiting for you; to help with settling in if need be."

 

Now Kili's smile grew and reached his eyes after all, for he was truly thankful for this little gesture.

 

“Thank you. I'm very grateful.”

 

After the old dwarf had left, Kili took in his new surroundings a second time and tried his best to contain his emotions. Slowly, but incredibly painful, the realisation sank in. His chest tightened and an unbeknownst pain washed over his entire body. He would lose Fili, if he had not already. He didn't know what hurt more, the prohibition to marry by an official political decision or the lack of fierceness in his brother when he, Kili, had tried to defend their bond.

 

With his heart and body aching from both emotional and physical strain, he sank down to the floor, breathing heavily. Tears welled up in his eyes. He knew that Fili had tried to find him and had almost caught him in the stables where he had admired the two new born rams. Thankfully, Bifur had distracted his brother while Kili had been able to steal away behind Fili's back. The urge to visit the tombs had been strong, but he had resisted, knowing his brother would probably be looking for him there. He appreciated the effort, but at the moment he just needed to be alone.

 

And so he had retreated to his new chambers. Well, _chamber –_ singular - as it was only one bedroom with a small adjoining bathroom. It was not the lack of luxury what made him despise the room. Sure, the huge comfortable bed he had shared with Fili, their big and yet cosy main room with the large fireplace, the dressing room where he had used to brush and braid his brother's hair in the mornings, the spacious bathroom with the large stone basin had had their benefits. But Kili had never been a person indulging in luxury and the small room with the simple bed, the wooden wardrobe and the bathroom with the small pewter tub was enough for him.

 

It was the lack of _Fili_ which troubled him the most and made living in this room unbearable. The most uncomfortable stone cliff made a cosy home as long as his brother was with him. As long as they were separated the room would stay cold and lonely.

 

_Like me. It's going to be like this for the rest of my life._

 

He sat on the floor, buried his face in his arms and got eventually overwhelmed with grief and despair. Loud, uncontrollable sobs shook his body and made him choke, while thick hot tears streamed down his face. He curled into a ball, lying on the cold stone floor, and cried out all his desperation, his wrath and his fear.

 

It was how his mother eventually found him hours later. Prince or not, she took her still hiccupping child into her arms, humming a song from his childhood.

 

~~~

 

When Ori and Fili called it a night after six hours of fruitless research, both were exhausted, thirsty and frustrated beyond measure.

 

“Nothing; absolutely nothing. This can't be. There must be a way!"

 

"Only if the female party refuses. Or is declared unfertile by a healer. Or the royal blood in their veins runs too thin."

 

"Who would miss the opportunity to be queen of Erebor? Nali has never seemed a power-craving person to me. But yet, why should she refuse? Nor is she infertile or too unroyal. Even if, there's still Borim's daughter and those other old hags. It's hopeless. What do I do?”

 

Fili let his head fall on his folded arms and groaned.

 

"Those are infertile for sure. And a closer look to Borim’s pedigree might reveal a surprise concerning the royal-ness of his blood,” Ori tried to enlighten the mood, but failed judging by Fili’s miserable expression.

 

“We just try to get a little sleep and then we meet again tomorrow. Maybe Balin and Gloin will join us. They're very resourceful. We won’t give up so easily, Fili.”

 

“You're right. We’ll meet tomorrow right after the council meeting in the morning.”

 

“Another meeting? What for?”

 

“Resettlement, awarding of posts, distribution of power? Killing off the Line of Durin to clear the way for the Ered Luin people? I have no idea!"

 

Hours later, after another fruitless attempt to find his brother, Fili lay in their - no, in _his_ \- bed, tossing and turning around. Eventually, the full scope of the recent events slowly sank in. He was about to lose his beloved not only by law and a political decision, but also emotionally because of his own poor actions; or better the lack of actions. The impending loss of his love hit him hard and robbed him of his breath. He had to find him, he could not lose him. But how?

 

Fili didn't catch any sleep that night.

 

~~~

 

It took a while until Kili had calmed down. Then his mother drew him a bath and washed his hair, knowing it would help easing the tension at least a little. He didn't say a word during all the time, safe for the one moment he assured her that it was alright, when she apologised for not being able to sway Thorin's mind. When she grabbed the brush and beads he stilled her hand, shaking his head.

 

"No braids," he whispered, and then looked down into his lap.

 

"Of course."

 

She should have known. Of course Kili didn’t want to have the Durin braids, marking him as royalty. And sadly the braid for betrothal was no longer his to wear. She weighed the beads Fili had crafted for their official engagement in her hand, a thoughtful expression on her face.

 

"Just throw them into the fire."

 

Kili's voice was raspy from crying and yet she could hear the pain in it.

 

"I think I just keep them for now. I refuse to just accept this dire situation."

 

"Unlike my brother."

 

His lips were pressed together and his jaw clenched. She sighed.

 

“He didn't do either. I'm not happy with his mild reaction, but he was overwhelmed and realised early that putting up a fight with your uncle would be like fighting Mordor's armies with a wooden stick."

 

Now it was on Kili to sigh.

 

"I know. I understand that we are princes now; _royalty_. We aren’t two little rascals anymore, running through the woods playing warriors. We have responsibility now, a kingdom to rebuild and to run. But yet, I'm not willing to pay such a price for it. It hurts so much, Amad. I would have given my life for Erebor; I almost did. But not my love. That, I refuse."

 

“And right you are. We’ll find a way, I’m sure. I only wish you wouldn’t hide from him. Of course I won’t tell him where you live now, if that is what you want, but I don’t like it. In times like these, a family must stand together.”

 

“How can we stand together when _he_ is tearing us apart?” Kili spat.

 

As soon as the angry retort had left his mouth he regretted it. Not the words, but the aggressive tone he had struck towards his mother, the only person who seemed to be on his side.

 

“I’m sorry Amad, I shouldn’t have ... I … I …”

 

He couldn’t contain himself any longer and started to cry all over again.

 

“Ssshhh, Kili. No harm done.”

 

She pulled him into her arms and rocked him until he had calmed down. She kissed his forehead, putting all the love she could into that gesture. Then she bid him good night and made her way towards the door.

 

“Amad?"

 

She stopped in the door frame and turned around, perking up her eyebrows questioningly when her son suddenly looked bashful.

 

“You know, what I said to Thorin this morning, that I don't want to be a part of this family anymore. It's not true, considering that you're a part of it as well. It doesn't count for you."

 

She smiled warmly, came back to him and cupped his face in her hands before she rose on her tiptoes to plant another kiss on his forehead.

 

"I know my love. Now, to bed! Tomorrow is not going to be easy."

 

With that she left, leaving Kili alone in his new room. He sighed again, heavier this time, and scrambled under the furs on the bed. Like his brother he didn't close an eye. At dawn he left the room, shuffling quietly through the corridors to the main gate. Thorin could shove his kingdom and the council where the sun never shines.

 

~~~

 

Fili internally rolled his eyes when Rogur, one of the old dimwits who happened to be elected into the council, disrupted the meeting a third time. Before he could open his mouth to give a retort, Thorin banged his fist on the table. His expression was grim and Fili could see the artery pulsing on his right temple. That was always a bad sign.

 

"The negotiation with Rivendell is not necessarily requiring the presence of the captain of the military forces. In fact, Dori is in charge of this particular task and as you can see, he's sitting right in front of you.”

 

“I didn't say it's impossible to discuss. Yet I think it makes more sense when we are complete.”

 

“And yet _I_ think that fulfilling one's particular duties is even more important. Especially when they had been doubted only the day before. By you expressly; if I remember correctly.”

 

“But the current status of the army and guard is also an important topic planned for this meeting.”

 

“This is why the Captain sent his representative and advisor, who also happens to be in charge of training and weaponry. If I recall correctly, that's exactly what we wanted to be informed about. So if you'd be so kind to let Dwalin continue with his report, you might be enlightened at the end.”

 

Thorin gave him a venomous glare and turned back to Dwalin, who picked up his interrupted speech. Fili exhaled slowly and rubbed at his temples, as he could feel the start of a major headache. Again his sleep-deprived mind drifted off to his brother, of whose disappearance they had just learnt an hour ago. Dwalin had informed them about him leaving with the scouting party, since a bigger group of orcs had been sighted near the mountain.

 

Fili had been devastated. Not only had he hoped to catch his brother after the meeting to talk, but those patrols were also a very dangerous matter, especially with the small number of dwarves they had at hand. Kili would probably throw himself into battle, giving his troubled mindset. He had always been especially reckless when he was hurt and angry.

 

To make things even worse those patrols often took days to return, so he wouldn't be able to talk to him for a long time. He had to explain why he had given in to Thorin so easily and had declared himself as a suitor for their cousin Nali. If his brother would hear about that from others, their fight might reach a point where irreparable damage was inevitable. If that wasn’t the case already.

 

He had already noticed the different way many dwarves had looked at him this morning. Respectful yet, but not in the friendly manner like he was used to. He was at good terms with all of them, but the news of the cancelled marriage and his submissive demeanour must have spread like wildfire. And obviously, most of the dwarves of the mountain had taken Kili’s side in that matter. Fili didn't blame them though.

 

~~~

 

Annoyingly, after the meeting he was approached by Thorin.

 

“Some years ago I would never have thought that your brother might be that resourceful in avoiding me and yet fulfilling his duties at the same time.”

 

“You raised him a prince, now you have the result. He knows his way around political matters. And also his way around Erebor, I'm afraid, since I couldn't find him anywhere yesterday.”

 

“So you haven't spoken since he had left yesterday's meeting? That's tough. I really hope you get to talk to him as soon as he returns, for he won't listen to me. I'm sure he'll understand eventually.”

 

Fili, already stressed by sleep deprivation and his worsening headache, snapped his head around to shoot his uncle a dangerous glare.

 

“I'm sure he will totally understand and agree with me marrying another! What are you even thinking?”

 

“Listen Fili, let me explain.”

 

“What is there to explain? You voted against our marriage, you turned your back on us. There's nothing more to explain.”

 

“If you would only listen...”

 

“No! I won't! I didn't fight for this mountain to have you destroy all of our dreams.”

 

“But Fili, that's not...”

 

“It is! And now leave me alone. I have business to do!”

 

“What busi...?"

 

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

 

He turned on his heel and went right to the library, where Ori already was awaiting him.

 

~~~

 

In the evening he returned to their chambers. No, _his_ chambers. He was exhausted, the dull pain in his head had increased to an excruciating hammering and he felt nauseous. Ever since the battle he suffered from those conditions from time to time; mostly when he overdid himself. Normally, his brother would tend to him, making sure that there was as less light and noise as possible and massaging his temples and neck gently like only he could do. He would carefully feed him broth with just the right concentration for him to keep it down, in between adding small spoonfuls of the concoction Oin had made for him. Only Kili knew how Fili would get better quickly. He undressed and made his way to the bedroom when a soft knock came from the door. Hoping against hope it might be his brother after a quick return, he opened.

 

Of course, it was not Kili, but their mother.

 

“You look awful.”

 

“Good evening to you too, mother,” he groaned quietly.

 

“Your head?”

 

Fili only nodded and turned to make room for Dis to step into the chambers.

 

“You should go to bed. You've probably worried too much. Shall I assist you? I'm not an expert like your brother, but I can try.”

 

“I'd rather just go to bed. But I will try taking the medicine.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes, it's nothing a good night's sleep can't fix.”

 

“Honestly, I doubt you'll find any sleep. Your mind is troubled with your brother's disappearance and of course with the entire situation.”

 

“And right it is. Amad, how can I fix this?”

 

He climbed on the bed and pulled the covers over him while his mother sat on the edge, stroking his hair like she had done when he was a small child. She was heartbroken to see both her sons suffering so badly. She couldn't be angry with her eldest for giving in so quickly.

 

“I don't know, Fili. I don't know.”

 

~~~

 

Fili tossed and turned in his bed, not being able to find sleep. An hour after Dis had left, he suddenly bent over the edge and snapped the bucket from the floor beside the bed, which his mother had thankfully put there. Throwing-up only ever happened when Kili wasn't there to help him with these blasted headaches. The only thing he could do now was rest and sleep.

 

But sleep wouldn't come. He and Kili had parted in a fight. If something happened to his brother, he would never be able to forgive himself. Their father had also died on such a patrol after all. His mind pictured the wildest scenarios, which wasn’t helping at all with his recovery. Kili being stabbed by an orc sword. Kili being captured and tortured. Kili falling into a lake and drowning. He knew that was ridiculous. His brother was a good swimmer and there wasn't even a lake up north.

 

_Kili please be safe. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me._

 

He repeated the last words in his mind like a prayer in the temples of Mahal, lulling himself into a deep and dreamless sleep.

 

_Forgive me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to visit my [tumblr](https://silva-13.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to visit my tumblr


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